What Good Is a Goal If You Fail the First Three?

 I’ve been trying to not write out of obligation.

I’ve been waiting for the ideas to come to me on their own.

Then I realized,I just may never write.

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while

I promise I’m not giving up on writing.

It’s always been like that for me.

My interests have always been seasonal, 

even when the interest are my dreams.

My passion would usually start as a very bright fire,like the ones that people use to keep themselves warm in movies.

But I somehow always end up splashing water on the fire, little by little—until it’s no longer enough to keep anyone warm.

(wow that’s kind of poetic)

I’m starting to understand that,to fully live your dreams,your goals and ambitions,they can’t be seasonal.

They require you to do something every day in pursuit of them, whether you feel ready or not.

You have to keep showing up.

This doesn’t mean I’d post again next week and in two weeks and the week after.

It just means that I would keep posting,

even if I ever doubt the essence.

it’s my birthday tomorrow.

I wanted to write something soft and reflective,I suppose.

So I went searching for that old list of “goals” I wrote in SS2. The list is still there in my notes.

Just so I could write around that but I couldn’t bring myself to write around it.

Because reading those goals made me remember how much I’ve given up on.

How easily I abandoned myself before I ever really began.

When I said I always have seasonal interests even when the interests are my dreams, the list just proved it.

I always start with so much passion—so much passion, you can’t imagine.

I wrote all those things because I believed at the time that I was certainly going to do them and maybe I still believe I can do some of them.

But,I gave up on them before I even started.

Truth is,I think I gave up since I failed to achieve the first few things on the list and since then,I used to laugh at the list.

And I remember, two boys from my class saw the list once.

It was at the back of my notebook for jotting, and they read it aloud to tease me. It was lighthearted, I guess. We were friends. I even laughed back.

My pride was down a bit but I laughed back because in my heart “I’ll do all these things and you’ll all see”

Maybe I believe that,still.

But for the longest,I thought they were right for 

laughing because what good is a list of goals when I already failed to achieve the first three things on the list.

Thinking about it now,I shouldn’t have done that.

I shouldn’t ever do that.

You should never do that too.

It’s easy to say that you believe in yourself until it’s time to work towards it. (this sub is for myself.)

I struggle with consistency and I think I’ve been accountable about it and somewhere along the line, I became so self-aware of it that I started wearing my accountability like armor:

“Yes, I’m inconsistent,” I’d say,because admitting it made me feel in control.

But recently,I learnt from someone that accountability is not the same as growth.

So now,I’d say

I’ve been inconsistent.

In how I believe in myself.

In how I love people.

In how I show up.

Even in how I’m kind—to others, and to me.

Inconsistency is bad and I’m making efforts to not be that person anymore.

But I’m trying. I have been trying.

These past few months I’ve tried to be consistent in my own little ways.

I stood up and presented in class voluntarily.

I didn’t run back to my room when I was asked to be a registrar in a mock trial I had only come to watch.

I ran for a senate position in my department.

They might sound like “just school things,” but to me? They were mountains.

Things I used to want but never thought I could try for.

I’ve made small, committed choices about how I take care of myself,this one wasn’t perfect, it was just consistent.

I’ve also made conscious efforts towards doing better in my friendship especially by communicating because I struggle with that.

The personal ones are way too instense but maybe one day,I’d say.

And to me,In my little ways, that is consistency.

Still, I need to be honest with myself.

I should stop saying I’ll create a new TikTok account just because I’m afraid to post on the one I already have.

I should stop promising I’ll do better on YouTube and then disappear for six months and telling myself my school is boring, forgetting that people show up because of me and not where I am at.

I should stop looking at people who do what I want to do and assume they’re more qualified, more special, more suited—just because I’m scared I’m not.

And it’s a new year for me tomorrow

 But I hope I always remember that everyday is my day.

I hope I do better with believing in myself.

I hope I see everyday that my dreams are possible and I am the only one that can bring them to life.

I hope I try again. And again. And again.

Not perfectly,but gently.

I hope I learn to be unapologetic about my goals.

And I hope you do too. 

~Hadiqah.O

Please don’t tell me “happy birthday in advance” in the comments because then it takes away from what this piece is really about.😭